Passover Hell
Ok so last Friday 1st day of Passover, I had a Passover dinner for 18 relatives.
I had my Husband set up 2 separate tables of 9.
New cloth napkins, tablecloths, silverware, even new shower curtains and rugs. I wanted to make sure that this Passover was awesome, if Passovers could ever possibly be awesome! Anyway, each table was a mirror image of the other, in other words,
2 of everything. I spent the “nest egg” on this dinner! Mainly because my Son will be moving to SanFrancisco next month and the Holiday means a lot to him, so this was probably the last Passover for the next several years. This dinner was definitely going to be “The Last Supper”, it was so much work!
After we finished the Prayer Books, we were finally eating. We started with Boiled eggs, Charoset, and 12lbs of Gefilte Fish.
Let’s begin… My Mom takes one bite out of the Gefilte Fish and says “something is wrong with the fish, it smells funny and tastes funny” -OMG!OMG!
I put so much of everything into this dinner, not to be ruined at the first bite! I go over to the Gefilte Fish and smell it- holy shit- IT SMELKS LIKE SHIT-LIKE POO-LIKE SHIT!!!!
This can’t be happening, table one, my side of the family, all put their forks down in unicen. I thought I was dreaming, all at once I was hearing, ” Am I going to sick?” “oh no, I ate mine”, “It smells terrible”, OY!
I thought the dinner was over at that very second, but the BBq Chicken and Lamb and quinoa and salad and sweet mashed potatoes saved the day.
So the next day I took the leftover 8 pounds of Gefilte Fish back to the store. Igor did my return. Igor didn’t seem to believe me that it smelled like shit, oh yeah, I made Igor smell It, sure enough he was gagging!! I then had to fill out reports and document about the smell and taste, in case anyone from the party got sick. Two days later some guy from the Gefilte Fish Company calls me and I give him full details of the “POO- Gefilte Fish story.
The store is sending the remaining jars of Gefilte Fish to the Fish Company, to smell it, himself.
Ok, I did my job, returned it and let the management be aware of the situation, end of story. No such luck! I get the mail today and see a gigantic box, my first reaction was ” yeah, I won a TV or a Microwave, must be from something I entered …….
I lugged the box through the doors and with a scissors pried it open. Now remember, after 7 long Passover days, as of tomorrow, Passover is OVER for me, I flip the box lid open to find a huge Passover wicker basket filled with every Passover product that company makes, “Are you F’KING KIDDING ME?? If your Gefilte fish tastes like Poo-Shit, why in the world would I eat any other of your products, especially when there is like 10 minutes left of Passover?????
ZAP THIS
ZAP THIS! 
ZAP THIS!
There are so many crazies out walking around amongst us. What is a girl to do? I can’t/won’t carry a concealed weapon, sure I carry the usual “Pepper Spray”. Pepper Spray?
Ok, so you’re walking down the street and someone grabs you, or steals your purse. What do you do? Unless you are carrying the Pepper Spray in your hand, if someone grabs you, you had better have your Pepper Spray ready for action. Just be careful that the nozzle isn‘t aimed at your face, or know which way the gust of wind is blowing.
You don‘t want to spray yourself!
Well, I finally did it! I wanted protection for late nights out, after going out with friends, or when you’re walking alone in a parking lot, or the seedy cab driver, or for when you walk alone down the street, pretty much anytime!
Ok, as I was cruising Pinterest, I noticed an ad for a royal blue pair of “Brass Knukles and a built in TAZER”, with “940 Volts” of power!!!! I am so in!! So I went online and found it on Amazon.
My Husband could not believe I bought it, and my Son will think I’m nuts, but I have a feeling I will be purchasing one more for you guessed it, my daughter !
The guy that sneaks up behind me with intent to inflict pain, watch out,
because ……………………”I’M GONNA GET YOU SUCKA”!!
SCRABBLE HELL
Ok, so by now you know that I suck at Monopoly. What I didn’t know is that I also suck at Scrabble! How is it possible that I suck at all board games? I do think that I am smarter than I really am. I just recently bought an Iphone. I was told by my children and by my Husband, that there is no way I could learn how to use my new phone without terrorizing my son and daughter to help me. My daughter live out of state so she already called up my son and told him that because he lives closer to me that he should help me. So my children once again are talking behind my back and deciding who should help me with my new phone. Well, I have had it for two weeks now, and you know what? Not so dumb… I learned how to do almost everything on my phone, by myself, not so dumb, hmmm……. so I saw my son last week and he showed me a couple of things and had me download? Upload? not sure which, but I put the “APP” (see, app… not so dumb…), SCRABBLE on my phone. so excited with this APP/ My son and I are going to play scrabble together from my Iphone to his Iphone. This is the coolest thing EVER! We just started our 5th game and I have LOST ALL FIVE GAMES!! Am I a sore loser? You Betcha! At least throw me a bone! Let me win ONE!!!! NO MERCY! I really have been trying, I’m up late at night trying to get double and triple words. My son is really really smart. The scraqbble game excepts his words and I then try to look them up in the Dictionary and guess what? Not in the Dictionary???? My son’s smarter than Webster Dictionary. He comes up with words like “Rotical” for 80 points, “Begat” for 50 points for a triple word score, How am I supposed to compete with this????OK, what would you do? I can’t play with my Daughter, my Son, or my Husband, because their vocabulary exceeds mine, so I thought of playing with my Brother, Aunt, Mom or cousins, I hate to say it, but this is where I have a very good chance of winning. I can dummy down with my immediate family, except with my Husband and kids, but they #1 Don’t have an Iphone and #2 they are never interested in playing games, so #3 is what I had to do…. Now, I only have a few people reading this, well, maybe 3 people, my daughter, and her best friends, A—- and Gi——-, but please promise not to reveal what I am about to tell you, I’m a little ashamed, but when your backed in a corner, it’s survival. I went under SCRABBLE CHEATERS, yes, I fucking cheated, and I cheated the last 3 games with my son. I’m embarassed by this but also pissed by this. I pissed because not only did I cheat on some of the words but I AM STILL LOSING!! WTF?? I am pretty good at an old card game, “GIN RUMMY”, if anyone wants to challenge me, you’re on, otherwise I will be hitting the nursing homes!!!!!!!!!!
“ROCK AND ROLL NO MORE!”
So, my son is playing guitar and singing at a bar downtown in the city.It will be extremely crowded……..His friends are coming from the past, college friends, and new friends. This nightclub is the newest, upscale hot spot, in the city. Not just a bar, but a happening new place to eat, drink and have a good time. I am so proud of him!!! ( I am so proud of both my children!)Ok, So I need to look good, not like a frumpy “Oh, she’s trying to look like her daughter, or trying to wear her daughter’s jeans, kind of look. Now, what do I wear? I will be taking the train down, shopping a few hours before he plays. What shoes do I wear? Do I wear cute heels and look taller and skinnier? Or do I wear comfortable cute style gyms, or old lady shoes?. Getting old sucks! You have to think about these things. No more of the days where it’s freezing outside, and you wear a cute shirt, tight jeans, tall spiky boots or shoes, and shiver the entire night, knowing it’s worth it, since you look good! OMG- I have turned into that-“old Lady”!! I opted for the citizens gray jeans, clark shoes-(kill me know), and I thought that I would wear a new shirt that I picked up in south beach a couple of months ago. It fits pretty good, I thought, ok the shoes are queer, but I can pull this off with a great shirt and great fitting pants, I just won’t look down, (at the shoes). Ok, this will work….. In case it should get hot in the club, I can take off my black sweater and I will fit right in, with my new Tee from South Beach. It has a guitar, (yep) -in rhinestones, and a picture of a rocker girl on it. Cute, right? I walk downstairs before we leave and ask my husband how I look? He says “You can’t wear that disgusting shirt”! (Are you F’ ING kidding me???) Of course, in my mind i’m thinking, sure he doesn’t want me to wear it, it looks too good, or too young, whatever…..I had this brainstorm to take a picture and send it to my guru fashionista daughter in New York to get her opinion…(that’s the other one, I’m proud of), The picture was sent and her reply was “Take her somewhere freezing” …(be-aach)!My sharp as a tact husband said, what does that mean?, but I knew………..That meant, that even though I had a sweater over my cute south beach Rock shirt in rhinestones, it meant, ”DON’T TAKE HER ANYWHERE THAT SHE HAS TO TAKE HER SWEATER OFF” If anyone wants a brand new Tee from South Beach, 2 months old, never worn, that says “ROCK”, with a guitar, all in rhinestones, LET ME KNOW!!!!!
IN A NEW YORK MINUTE
Just came back from New York, My husband and I were visiting my daughter, who lives there. I was there from Thursday until Saturday evening. Thursday was a rain monsoon. We were caught in the rain at the worst part of the day. I shared an umbrella with my over 6 foot husband. When you are 5’4” and your husband is over 6 ft tall, and he holds the umbrella, Guess who’s going to get drenched. Well, not all of me was drenched, just my left side. If you looked at me from the right side my hair was straight and I was dry, if you looked at me from the left side, I had frizzy hair, wet pants, and soaked. I kind of reminded myself of the 1/2 woman and 1/2 man looking crazy person from the circus. That night, still raining, we saw a great comedy club featuring two SNL stars and Marc Maron from WTF pod cast. (Like I knew what a pod cast was….) I was able to snag chairs so we didn’t have to stand for 2 hours. Bought Husband a WTF tee shirt. Fun Night! The next night we saw the play championship season and after the show I took pictures with Chris North (Big from Sex in the city), Kiefer Sutherland (24), and Jason Patrick…… “WINNING” Saturday, my beautiful daughter took me all over Soho, shopping, sample sales, candy stores and great food. She took me on a shopping tour and knew her way around. Knew people on the street, wherever we were. Very impressed with her skills! I was sad to leave knowing that I would not see her for a couple of months It all went by too fast, like in a New York Minute!!
TOO MUCH BAGGAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What is it about vacations and planes and packing and bringing tight clothes that makes traveling so stressful? My daughter goes away with one small DVF rolling bag and a leather satchel. My son packs only necessities and just what’s needed? My husband packs like he would if he had been in the army. All shirts, slacks and jackets are folded into perfect squares like soldiers, all fitting into a piece of luggage the size of a shoe box… Are you kidding, here comes Imelda Marcos, (Castro’s wife who once was on T.V. showing her 500 pairs of shoes), I have more shoes than days on vacation!! I recently came back from a cruise, I packed A huge suitcase, a small suitcase and 2 carry-on’s, claiming one carry-on was my purse. I start packing at least 2 weeks before the trip. I need the same amount of clothes and lotions and SHOES, dresses, skirts, and pants as if I was going around the world at least twice. What’s wrong with me, I can’t pack light, I won’t pack light!!! When I arrived at the airport, I had the 2 pieces of luggage weighing in at “47” pounds, and 1 at “50” pounds. Had to pay $100.00 for the extra piece of luggage. Knowing full well on my return home that I would be shopping and bringing home souvenirs for my kids….tried mailing these home. At the post office, I ended up mailing 2 large boxes 1 at 19 pounds and 1 at 16 pounds, I was quoted a UPS. price of $100.00 each????WTF?? I suggested these two boxes take the cheapest route home, as in the phrase “Last Boat To China” route. Ok, now were talking, $22.00 a box, this works for me. One thing to remember when sending anything either thru the post office or Fed Ex, or UPS, ALWAYS get a tracking number, oops! Knew I had forgot something!!! I actually think that when you say to the 16year old behind the desk, last boat to china, they actually sent my boxes thru China and then to my home! It took almost 2 weeks to get them, Phew, they arrived yesterday! I am not even going to tell you how much weight I gained on the cruiise. Unlimited appetizers, entrees, and unlimited buffets, IS 2 PLATES OF FOOD AT EACH MEAL, ALOT??????????????????? I went in looking like “Laurel”, and came back like “Hardy”! All in all I came home with too much baggage, Literally!!!
OH DEAR GOD, “NO SEX IN THE CITY!”
Since I can’t use names, I again will refer my family as follows: My daughter, my son, and my husband. Only my family and a couple of their friends will be able to read these posts and know who they are. I had a talk with my daughter yesterday about how proud I am of her standing on her own two feet and making a move which I am sure was very hard to do. Many people become comfortable in their daily lives and let things just become mundane. You would have to be emotionally or physically battered to make a move, or as Dr. Phil would say, “kicked to the curb”. I respect 100% a strong woman who can “break free”, or “start over”, even though it is still a painful experience. I not only respect you my daughter, but I am in awe of you, baby-YOU’VE GOT BALLS!! BRASS ONES!!
This is the part where no sex in the city comes in…… Not just for you, but for the few of your friends who are reading this, (but mostly for you!) We had a little talk last night, on your first night in a long time that you were alone in a strange place. For some reason I had to have the “TALK” once again just to make sure that you heard me. As your Mom, yeah- I worry a lot, more than just alot, a crazy amount, ok every F’ing minute of every F’ing day. I worry about my children. I don’t care how old you are, you will always be my babies!
Here it comes…. Forgive me for what I about to say, but here goes…The Sex talk again! I know that we had talked about this before but it really scares me to think that you are alone in this crazy city. I only have a few things I need to say so that I will feel better. These apply for you and the few friends of yours that are reading this,(but especially for you!)
1. When at a bar, if you leave your drink, if you think someone put a RUFFIE in it, buy a new one, on me, (but don’t buy a 2nd one on me and tell me you think someone put something in it…..
2. NEVER, EVER, get so drunk and messed up you don’t know what your doing, STAY IN CONTROL!!!
3. Men are crazy, they will say whatever it takes to get you into bed! Don’t EVER leave with them unless you know them.(Remember Natalie-poor thing!)
4. you waited for it, PROTECTION, PROTECTION, PROTECTION!! You don’t want to take home a partying gift for life!!! (STD’s or Babies!)
So after letting me get this out, you deserve for me to buy you (1) drink, remember “KEEP YOUR KNEES TOGETHER”, No Sex In The City!!!!!!!!
Christmas with a Twist
Had a pretty good day. Went with the family to see the movie “The Fighter”. Great Movie! We ended up going for Chinese food after the movie. One thing we do well, is we eat well! Is it normal to order dinner for 4 plus 2 side dishes? In our world - Oh Yeah! On the way home, husband (who shall still remain nameless), suggested that we play Monopoly when we get home. He only likes one game from his childhood, and has maybe played it twice in the 30 years that we have been married. I said “What about Boggle?, Scrabble?, I even have a scrabble dictionary, or Yatzee?” I love Yatzee! The four of us sat down to play Monopoly. Husband elected himself as Banker,and passed out the money. I rolled the worst dice and ended up going last. Within my first roll I ended up in jail. Everyone passed go at least two times and collected $400.00. The Banker/Husband did not recall the rule book so vividly and let me sit in jail and rot for 3 turns or I could get out if I rolled doubles. He did not realize that I could have paid $50.00 and got out on my second turn… I hate that F’ing game!!! I was positive that this led to my demise! I had a melt down and watched my family laugh at me, I almost cried, but they would have fallen over in laughter. I paid my slumlord husband $600.00 twice to pass over property I had to sell which he obtained. UGH! Then he let my daughter pay half and gave her a credit to pay later! WTF?? I then morgaged what was left and exited the game….Am I wrong…… My family thinks I’m sooo crazy……
So how was your Christmas?
Dazed and Confused!
Well this my first entry under my new blog, “It not easy being Audrey”. Not sure that’s the correct title since my memory is shot and my son set this up for me.
I love my family, but I will introduce them to you in small doses. My daughter is quite successful at whatever she does, she is a journalist and has her own blog which is the reason why I started a blog myself, today.. Her blog is quite humerous, the funniest of entry’s are probably of the stupid things I say and do.
My Son is smart and funny and is in “co-hoots”, with his sister when it comes to laughing at me. ( I am also a bad speller!)
To round out this party is my husband, who happily laughs and jokes with the kids, guess what about?? I live with my own comedy troupe!
As funny as this was to start up, I have a feeling no one is going to like this………….That is why I decided to omit their names………
Merry Christmas to you! I may be the only one on this blog whose reading this, or at the chinese restaurant tonight on Christmas, what a novel idea!
